Spanish and Norse and Russian and ASL and Gaelic oh my!
by killbothtwins
Summary: Also titled; Bruce is from Ohio. All the Avengers are reverted to their first languages. Rhodey would like to go back to bed, and also for Steve and Tony to stop arguing with each other in Irish and Spanish, respectively.


**this fic is basically a Google Translate nightmare, so sorry about offending anyone who happens to not want their language butchered. There are (very rough) translations at the end  
**

* * *

"¿Ornitorrinco?"

Tony says as soon as Rhodey blearily picks up his ringing cell phone. He sounds sheepish and slightly annoyed.

"Necesitamos un favor pequeño."

Rhodey rubs his forehead.

"You _know_ that I don't speak Spanish. Right, Tones?"

With Tony Stark, it is actually entirely possible that he forgot. At MIT, after an all-nighter or during finals week, particularly, his friend would sometimes rant for hours without realizing he was speaking Spanish.

"¿Ayudamos?"

Tony insisted.

Rhodey glanced at his alarm clock, which was proudly declaring 2:00 AM. He groaned.

"I'll be there in half an hour."

* * *

JARVIS sounds a bit hassled when he lets Rhodey in through the rooftop access, which shouldn't be possible but apparently is. He declines to give an update until Rhodey sees it for himself, which is not comforting.

"Tony?"

Rhodey asks hesitantly, stepping out of War Machine but keeping the repulsor gloves, just in case.

Natasha rounds the corner.

"О, Боже спасибо."

She says, sounding strangely relieved.

"Natasha? What's- okay."

Rhodey gets dragged down the hallway by his wrist.

"Could you tell me what's going on, maybe?"

He asks.

"желаю."

She grumbles.

"Speak Engli-"

Rhodey tries to say, frustrated, until they reach the living room, and Tony comes hurtling off the couch, from where he appears to be arguing with Rogers. Speaking rapid fire Spanish, he punches Rhodey's arm a few times and tries to pull him towards the couch.

"I. Do. Not. Speak. Spanish."

At Natasha's withering look, he adds,

"Or Russian. Rogers?"

He asks hopefully.

The blonde crosses his arms and sighs deeply.

"Ná breathnú ar dom."

Rhodey throws up his arms.

"Seriously, I'm leaving!"

Everyone lurches out of their seats, and Clint pops up from behind the couch, waving his hands and making strange gestures.

"No!"

Tony says.

"So you do speak English?"

Tony shoots him a withering glare.

"No."  
He says, making the accent more pronounced. Rogers sighs.

"Bruuuuuuceee!"

The Earth's mightiest heroes all yell, simultaneously, at the top of their lungs. Tony grumbles something grumpily in Spanish and taps his foot.

If, normally, Doctor Banner looked upset with the world in general, today he looked one step away from packing a suitcase and taking the nearest flight to TJ.

"Please tell me you speak English?" Rhodey asked the doctor, not feeling hopeful.

"Yes. And, apparently, I'm the only one."

Bruce rubbed his forehead as Steve began to babble at him. Tony punched him on the shoulder, gesturing wildly.

"¿¡Qué idioma es ese?! ¡Nadie entenderte Steve! ¡Nadie entenderete!"

Rhodey held up a hand as Clint began to gesticulate even more wildly, moving his hands around his face and putting them in different shapes.

"Everyone be quiet. Except Bruce."

He amended as Thor stormed in from the kitchen, grumbling in what Rhodey would honestly not be surprised if it was Old Norse.

He turned to Bruce once everyone finally quieted down.

"Bruce, can you please explain this?"

Rhodey asked, in the most forced calm tone of voice he'd ever heard.

Bruce sighed deeply and for a long time.

"There was a spell." He said, his voice strained.

"I think that everyone reverted to their first languages. I've been trying to figure it out but..."

He gestured expansively to the room, where Natasha and Clint were carrying on a conversation in two different languages and Tony and Steve were still glaring at each other with Thor trying to peacekeep between them.

"It's difficult when your entire team doesn't speak English."

Rhodey concluded.

"Oh boy."

He said, shedding the armor he still had on. "No offense, but why are you speaking English?" He asked.

Bruce stared at him.

"I'm from Ohio."

* * *

Later, Rhodey asks why they called him.

"I can get why you might need some translators, but I barely speak high school Spanish and my one and only lesson in Russian ended with me blowing up the terrorist base, so."

Clint sits up and starts to fingerspell frantically.

Bruce flops down on the couch.

"I think he wants you to call 'Kate'? His phone is broken and no one else has the number."

Rhodey pulls out his phone.

"She's not going to be happy."

* * *

"I'm not happy, Clint."

Kate Bishop says twenty minutes later, tapping her extremely purple sneakers on the linoleum. Her purple jeans have a purple phone sticking out of them, and she has a bracelet from a club and a stamp from some sort of party.

"I was out with my friends."

She admonishes Clint, peppering her speech with ASL signs for impact.

Clint signs rapidly back at her, making a face. The two exchange signs for a moment longer, until Kate huffs and turns to Bruce and Rhodey.

"Clint understands Russian, Natasha understands Spanish, and Tony has some sort of translation software for Thor that he's been working on. They have no idea what Cap over there is speaking, though."

She says, shooting him a look.

Steve grumbles and crosses his arms.

"Isn't he super American? Why wasn't English his first language?"

Kate asks, and everyone shrugs, except for Steve, who sighs.

Tony says something in Spanish. Natasha repeats it in Russian to Clint, who signs it to Kate. It's the worst game of telephone ever.

Kate scrunches her face.

"Tony thinks that there might be a...device? Yeah, device, in his lab to reverse it."

"Sí."

Tony says.

"Necesito más trabajo."

"Okay."

Rhodey said, once the translation chain was over.

Bruce breathed a sigh of relief.

"I'll help you. If I can."

He said.

Tony started up the stairs to his lab.

"¡Adios, oso de miel!"

* * *

The alarms in the tower began blaring, drawing a frazzled Tony and Bruce from the lab and frustrated Avengers from all other parts of the tower.

Nick Fury popped up on the screen. Thor muttered some kind of curse in Norse, and Steve shushed him.

"There are Doombots in Time's Square."

Fury said, straight to the point.

Rhodey shoved his way to the front.

"We're having some communications issues right might not be the best idea for us to go out in the field."

He said. Fury looked unimpressed.

"Fiche dollar tá muid fós ag dul" Steve grumbled to himself, grabbing his shield off of the back of the couch.

"I don't care." Fury said.

"Unless you guys are too busy with your relationship problems, there's an attack in New York."

He signed off before Rhodey or Kate could protest further.

"Great."

Kate said.

"Thor, why don't you go to Asgard and see if they can figure out what this is? The rest of us will suit up, I guess."

Kate sighed.

Clint, scowling, signed furiously at her.

"I'm _practically_ an Avenger, Clint."

She protested.

"Plus, Rhodey, Bruce, and I can speak English, which is more than I can say for you, poopface."

Clint looked offended.

Rhodey wished for a scotch. It wasn't like he had a _real job,_ or anything.

* * *

Sam landed with a swoop in front of Rhodey, landing on the street with barely a stumble.

"What's going on?"

He asked.

"Normally I get panicked calls from Steve or Tony, not you."

Rhodey winced as he heard the screech of metal less than a block away.

"The Avengers are having some issues right now."

He said.

"I figured they could use a hand."

"What?"

Sam asked as Natasha began to enthusiastically greet him in Russian.

Steve and Tony were still arguing vehemently in languages neither one of them could understand. Tony's face was red, and Steve was obviously trying very hard not to punch him.

"Oh."

Sam said.

"Cool. Let's go kill Doombots?"

* * *

"Ready?"

Kate asked over comms.

"Ready."

"Clint says he's ready."

"Listo."

"готовы."

"Is fuath liom tú go léir."

Rhodey and Sam looked at each other and shrugged.

"Good enough."

* * *

"I AM THE MASTER OF ALL!"

Sam looked a little freaked out, and when Rhodey finished blasting apart a robot he took the time to pat his shoulder.

"You get used to it."

"WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF, AVENGERS?!"

"Oh, no, you don't want to do that-"

Sam, Rhodey, and Kate all tried to warn him.

Tony flipped up his faceplate and squinted his eyes irritably up at the creature.

Then he let loose a Spanish tirade unequaled by anything except, as far as Rhodey knew, the Hard-Shelled Taco Incident of 1998.

Rhodey thought the bad guy might have been wincing behind his immense metal mask, and when Natasha broke in in Russian, he seriously looked like he was considering running away.

Steve broke in, using his stern "I'm Captain America" voice and Clint began to sign angrily and even paused in his bow-shooting to do it.

"IT'S- WHAT?"

Bruce didn't bother to Hulk out, just sighed.

"ARE YOU MOCKING-"

Kate hit him in the back of the head with an arrow. He crumpled to the ground, allowing the SHIELD agents to rush in and all of his robots to collapse where they stood.

"See?"

She said.

"Told you the Skittles arrow would come in handy, Clint."

* * *

"As far as I can tell, this spell should wear off in another day. For all intents and purposes, it was a temporary one."

Strange, dressed in a coat with a high collar and a swooping back, stood up.

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief, trying not to babble questions at him in their first languages.

"Thanks, Doctor Strange."

Bruce said, forcibly pushing Tony and Steve's faces apart when it looked like they were about to start arguing again.

Natasha grumbled something in Russian and shook Strange's hand.

"спасибо."

"No problem." He nodded at her.

"I imagine the next few hours will be quite interesting."

His lips quirked into a slight smile, and he disappeared in a slightly overtheatrical puff of smoke.

"Understatement."

Sam said, wandering in from the kitchen with a cup of coffee in his hand.

* * *

"Hey, uh, how'd you have Katie's number?"

Clint asks the next day, hands twitching reflexively like he's not quite used to using his mouth to speak.

Rhodey raises an eyebrow.

"You really wanna know, Barton?"

Clint now looks unsure.

Rhodey isn't going to tell him he, Sam, and the other Hawkeye get together for the "not-a-sidekick" club once a week.

Rhodey maintains steady eye contact.

"No."

Clint decides, and practically sprints away.

* * *

Rhodey goes to find his (no longer Spanish-speaking) best friend right after that.

He's sitting on the couch with Thor and Steve.

"I'm so not kidding." Tony says, pointing with his whiskey glass.

Steve rolls his eyes so impressively Rhodey is surprised he doesn't see his brain back there.

Rhodey plops down next to Tony.

"What are you two arguing about now?" He asks.

"What language was that?!"

Tony is honestly distressed about this. Rhodey tries very hard not to laugh.

"It was Irish, Tony. Seriously, no one ever told you I'm Irish?"

"You're-what?"

This fact was actually left out of the history books. Rhodey slings an arm over Tony's shoulder and tries to pretend it's not a surprise to him.

Thor grins. "I might have guessed. I believed I recognized the Gaelic tongue in you."

"You're-no. You're American."

Tony says, in time for Natasha to descend and whack him on the head.

"I'm Irish. And I'm American. Are all people in the future so close-minded?"

Steve asks Natasha, a hint of mischief sparking in his eyes.

"Tell me about it." The redhead says knowingly. "You want ice cream?"

"Yeah, I could go for ice-cream."

* * *

 **T: Platypus?**  
 **T: We need a small favor.**  
 **T: Will you help us?**

 **N: Oh, thank God**  
 **N: I wish**

 **S: Don't look at me**

 **T: What language is that?! Nobody understands you, Steve! Nobody understands you!**

 **T: It needs more work**  
 **T: Bye, honey bear**

 **S: Twenty bucks we're still going**

 **T: Ready**  
 **N: Ready**  
 **S: I hate you all**

 **N: Thanks**


End file.
